BECOMING TRUE ME

Tumbling now...

2011-09-10T12:25:00.003-04:00

First off I’m so sorry to have been away so long and so neglectful. What a sad little blogger I am. But this little spot was never far from my heart and now late to the party I’ve decided to go down the rabbit hole and make it anew as a tumbling tumblr blog.
So please now join me at the NEW Becoming Tru Me.

Down the hole I go. Whee!!!

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

I Love Gem

2011-05-20T16:45:00.002-04:00

And I'm with her in her misery.
Oh crap. Day 1. Here goes.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

Who's the Boss of You?

2011-05-13T16:15:00.002-04:00

YOU!

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

Is This The New 46?

2011-05-03T12:50:00.003-04:00

Wow. Check out 46 year old, hot as all get out, head full of grey hair, Kristen McMenamy as she graces the cover of Vogue Italia’s swimwear supplement.

Head on over and see the rest of the pics (warning some a bit racy) and tell me what you think of a women of practically a "certain age" in such a spread. Sexy yay or nay?

I’m saying, oh yay!

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

Not My Daddy

2011-04-28T20:34:00.006-04:00

I'm loving this video of Kelly Price's new single Not My Daddy. Says a lot about longstanding relationships. Gotta keep them watered.
And 2 fun facts: it's directed my the talented Regina King and the girl playing the young Kelly is her beautiful daughter. So cute.

Enjoy.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

Working it Out

2011-04-26T20:55:00.003-04:00

Anyway I can.

Of course there aren't near as many costume changes during my workout but wouldn't it be nice?

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

To Do

2011-04-25T09:30:00.003-04:00

I’m so sorry to have been MIA for so long but all I can do is say it’s just been my life this past month with college visits for my twins and trying to come to some decision in that department. We have finally made decisions (though with a wait list one is still teetering) and now we are in the hair raising financial stages. Seriously my hair is raised.

I don’t think I’ve slept a full night in months. But truly all the worry is doing nothing for my health or life so it’s time to get back to MY to-do list for me and that means putting myself at the top of that list (all else will come).

Easter (and all that food) is done. It’s time to get back on track. And move forward. Hopefully sleep will follow.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

image from here

Getting Angry, Baby?

2011-03-24T06:30:00.001-04:00

Sometimes you just gotta get a little angry and she did it better than anyone.

Rest in Peace Elizabeth.

Love you, Love Me,
Kwana

Valerie

2011-03-23T18:05:00.002-04:00

Love you, Love Me,
Kwana

Escape

2011-03-13T12:42:00.003-04:00

Right now I can use a little escape. I'd love to spend a few days in this Kate fantasy life with Duran Duran being my walking soundtrack.

Sadly though I have to settle for the lipstick instead of Paris. Ahh well.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

Dont Hate Me...

2011-02-25T13:19:00.002-05:00

'Cause I'm Beautiful.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

Line Up Your Love

2011-02-14T08:15:00.004-05:00

On this day my love is all lined up...

from me to you and back again.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Love you, Love Me,

Kwana

image from here

“Health is different for everybody at different sizes”

2011-02-10T14:36:00.002-05:00

Thanks Crystal!

Love you, Love me,
Kwana

Whadda Ya Know?

2011-02-07T07:30:00.001-05:00

Happy Monday! Today I’m over at The Chicklit Writer’s blog talking about What I THINK I know for sure about writing.Prepare to be unimpressed. But still, please stop on by and let me know what YOU think and know. Thanks.

Have a good one!

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

image from here

Carrying On

2011-02-01T17:01:00.005-05:00

My kids were back to school one day (Monday) and then today was another snow day (they called it weather related due to the intense lack of snow). I tell you it’s like one big long weekend around here and it has me shaking my head. All this is sending my diet into a tailspin.
And can I ask why are weekends with the family such a challenge? It’s something about kids, the hubby, the dog and free flowing organized chaos that brings on the urge to eat. Tell me I’m not alone. Please. I’ve done well so far this year so I’m not going to beat up on myself too bad. Still I’ve had no sugar in my coffee, and I’m still exercising just about every day though only 1 day on the weekend instead of 2. Hey, I’m going in the right direction. Yes?

But sadly, I have to say the migraines have been coming fast and furious the past few weeks and have been insidiously slowing me down which is a bummer. I seem to be on a pattern of waking up with them again and my neurologist wants to have me go cold turkey for a few weeks off medication to see if I’m not having rebound headaches. The thought of daily nausea and excruciating pain is enough to send me into a tailspin. She said I need to find a time when there is not much stress in order to do it. She said that should be easy since my kids are teens and could fend for themselves. You can imagine how I looked at her right?

On top of this all my treadmill walking has my foot arthritis flaring but I’m working through. I refuse to let it stop my weight loss. I’ve gone down 8 pounds so far this month according to friend it’s all in my face. Of course that is so not there I wanted it can we work our way south please?

Ahh well, carrying on.

How you doin?

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

image fm here

The Quest Continues

2011-01-19T20:38:00.003-05:00

So I'm still on my quest. I've added daily exercise in my basement gym and the only one laughing is my dog Jack but by his expressions I think it's on the inside only. Hey at least I'm on the move.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

Look Up and Love

2011-01-10T08:38:00.003-05:00

This today...

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

Image from here

So um, Yeah, Not so Tasty

2011-01-07T16:34:00.003-05:00

So in yet another attempt to break my sugar addiction, today I had my usual big old cup of coffee without any sugar or artificial sweetener at all. It was just coffee with milk. Ugh.

Not my usual light and sweet delicious candy treat. Let me say it was a tough one to slog down. Hours later and I’m still tasting it and not in a good way. But the caffeine was sorely needed so I had that and well, it’s not nothin’.

Wish me luck in this painful endeavor. Woo saaa…. Waaa!!!

Love you, Love Me,
Kwana

Curb My Enthusiasm

2011-01-05T19:42:00.004-05:00

So it's January, diet time around the world. I guess I really should recommit to my diet and exercise program.

I sound really enthused huh?

The holidays have been a huge derailment and I've been stuck in park. But it's time to get in gear and back on the road to better health. My arthritis has been flaring up and the headaches coming at a steady enough pace to be driving me to distraction. That said good heath is something to seriously strive for. Of course if there was a nice and easy way to banish the excess weight I'd be happy to check a box.

Please send some good health vibes my way and I'll send some yours. Let's fight the good fight together.

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

image from here

Chanel Dreams

2011-01-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

So yesterday instead of using food as a calming tool. I went to dreaming about Chanel (and thinner thighs). Why is it I don't have this bag yet?

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

images from here

Better Be Good to Me

2011-01-03T14:09:00.004-05:00

Hello Monday! So got any plans?

image from here

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

It's Coming

2010-12-30T20:37:00.002-05:00

Stay cool baby...

Love You, Love me,

Kwana

P.S. Also visit me at my other home kwana.com here

image from here

Heartbeat

2010-12-30T15:18:00.002-05:00

I'm loving Nneka's Heartbeat. Can't get this song or the images out of my mind. What music is on your mind right now?

Love you, Love me,
Kwana

Have a Funky little Christmas

2010-12-24T07:30:00.000-05:00

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas. I hope Santa gives you all you've been wishing for and you have lots of joy and cheer. Remember keep it Klassy now!

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

image from here

Don't Dream It's Over

2010-12-05T11:58:00.002-05:00

So this song came on the radio as I was taking my dd to a charity dance show that she was preforming in this morning. Some songs come at just the right time and take you to the perfect mood.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

The Dog Days Are Over

2010-11-30T21:05:00.004-05:00

With the twins college applications being done and now playing the big heart thumping waiting game, I'm truly hoping the dog days are over.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

Thankful

2010-11-25T09:24:00.002-05:00

Today I'm thankful for so much. All I have to do is think a moment then the blessings are almost too many to count. How about you?

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

Lofty

2010-11-16T07:30:00.001-05:00

Just to make November a little more interesting for me you know with: college apps, NaNoWrimo, Thanksgiving etc… I’m now part of an exciting new launch called The Loft.

It’s a new Facebook page from Macmillan for contemporary women’s fiction, romance and chicklit where I’m the moderator! And those that know me know how much I like to talk so this should be fun!

I’m so excited for this new launch where we’re chat about all sorts of goings on in women’s fiction and chicklit is not a dirty word! Please stop on by and “like” The Loft on Facebook. Join in the discussions so that I’m not talking to myself it would feel too much like home and teen talk that way. Eee.

Also friend us on Twitter @loftromance. Oh and please tell a friend. Thanks so much!

A new adventure for the best year maybe?

Best,
Kwana

Craving...

2010-11-12T08:00:00.000-05:00

A fab one shoulder dress and no place to go.
Don't this beautiful Lavin designs for H&M make you think the Not So Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? I'm in love and want 3.

Le sigh.

Love You Love Me,
Kwana

A Reminder

2010-11-10T09:08:00.005-05:00

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

image from here

Roll With It

2010-11-04T08:00:00.001-04:00

I'm rolling hard this month with my NaNoWrimo 50,000 word challenge and am still heavy in the college app game with the twins. Hey, I may come out with bruises and bumps but I plan on coming out alive.

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

image from Life

Welcome November

2010-11-01T09:15:00.003-04:00

Welcome to a new week, another Monday and a new month. Leaves are falling and there's an early chill to let you know that winter won't be far away.

I love this time of year when the morning mist still has you wondering about the possibilities of the day.

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

Sit and Stare

2010-10-29T08:00:00.001-04:00

I could sit here all day.

And create. How about you?

Love you, Love Me,

Kwana

Image from here

Faith by The Fire

2010-10-27T09:43:00.004-04:00

This image gives me so much peace. We just got our wood delivered for the winter and it filled me with so much happiness. Just the thought of winter warmth and quiet moments with my mind in front of the fire with nothing to do but sit fills me with ease.

How will you get your moments this Winter.

Love you, Love Me,

Kwana

image from here

Floating

2010-10-25T21:11:00.005-04:00

I'm floating along here which is not as good as stepping solidly but much more like drifting. So I've got lots of work to do in all sorts of ways to get on that sure footing that I want. I'm up for the challenge.

Ever feel like you're wading, treading, dipping in and out and at times floating through life? Well break through the water and head to the shore with me.

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

image from here

Daydreaming

2010-10-17T09:57:00.001-04:00

Love you, Love me,
Kwana

Room to Think

2010-10-14T12:05:00.004-04:00

Do you ever feel like you need room to think? Well, close your eyes and imagine this wide open space. The Temple of Petra in Palmra Jordan. That should give the mind some much needed space.

Love you, Love Me,

Kwana

image from here.

I Won't Complain

2010-10-11T16:35:00.001-04:00

I'm sorry I have been MIA for a while but life has been life but to that I say this...

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

Smile

2010-10-05T17:14:00.004-04:00

Sometimes you gotta just turn that frown upside down.

Love You Love Me,

Kwana

image from here

Sure Footing

2010-09-29T21:00:00.003-04:00

Hi peeps. I hope you all are well.

Me? Lately, I’ve been feeling like that character from Airplane and thinking I’ve picked an awfully bad year to make this the best year of my life. But I’m surging ahead and no, I’m not ready to give up on my claim. It’s way too early in my endeavor. So despite the arthritis not subsiding, but seeming to ramp up along with the migraines and senior stress I’m still forging ahead with my Best Year plan.

Like I was saying my RA has not improved. I had that setback with a run around trip to the city which should have been easy but I suffered way too long after and my doctor has put me on a quicker acting and hopefully more effective medication. It’s week two, I still have to be patient because it takes at least a month. It’s amazing to me now many things I’m waiting on right now. Tick and Tock.

In the meantime I just want to get on more sure footing.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

Languid

2010-09-28T08:40:00.004-04:00

It's the only word to describe my mood lately and not in the best sense but in the exhausted sense of languid. I'm wishing right now I could do languid like Rosemary Rogers did here in the 70's.

No, I'm afraid my version on languid is nowhere near as glam as a ivory satin wrapper and silver shadow. Tough maybe I could run a comb through my hair. Hmm... now there's a sexy idea.

Have a good one.

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

image from here

Going for the Gold

2010-09-25T11:53:00.004-04:00

I'm loving everything about this effortless look.

But most of all I'm feeling her simple gold hoops.

Are you going for the gold this Fall?

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

image from The Satorialist

Tea Time

2010-09-17T00:59:00.004-04:00

Today I'll be drinking lots of tea and putting up my sore foot since running across town in 'those' shoes that shall not be named last night was clearly a bad idea. But really folks my ratty New Balances with the orthotics were just not going to cut it for a literary evening in Manhattan. Really.

Sigh-ing.

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

image from here

You Can Get With This Or You Can Get With That

2010-09-14T17:00:00.003-04:00

I’m just back from the arthritis doc where I had a good heart to heart. I really do like him with his sweet, kindly presence and long anecdotes. While there I also look a turn (literally) at the foot doctor to assess my orthotics which I still don’t like and had adjusted a bit. We’ll see how that works out.

My rheumatologist and I decided to switch my meds to a slightly more aggressive faster acting drug since the Paquenil is having no effect on me and the shooting pains in my foot are just as strong as ever. I mean it’s not fair to have to pay with a night of pain after only a 20 minute walk. So I’m now trying Methotrexate (big scary name there).

I asked him once again, could I avoid all this with vitamins, diet and exercise? He was kind, and patient, but told me in all seriousness, no. Sure diet and moderate exercise were important and he was not a pill happy doctor by any means, but for my age and with my numbers what we were trying to do was prevent further rapid advancement and without the medication that is what I would have in a few years. Yikes!

I told him how with all the talk of “but you can do it the natural way” or “all you need is to just get out and move more” I feel guilty about taking the medication. But kindly doctor dude set me straight. He told me to tell people to walk a mile in my shoes because right now they are free since I can’t walk a mile in them because of the pain.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with life’s challenges and mine may not be the same as everyone else’s but I don’t have to feel guilty for doing what I think is right for me and you don’t either.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

WIP

2010-09-13T07:00:00.001-04:00

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

image from here

Peace Out

2010-09-11T09:20:00.002-04:00

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

Just Keep It to Yourself

2010-09-09T07:30:00.001-04:00

Now this video from Derek Sivers goes so against me and even my blog a bit, but it does kinda goes with my Nana's "keep things close to the vest" way of thinking and gives me pause. Hmm...
This chatty Gemini would love your thoughts.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

School's Open

2010-09-07T07:00:00.001-04:00

Today is the first day of school. It's always a tough day for me and this one will probably be the toughest since my twins are seniors this year. Mama is feeling mighty old. Oh well I'll try and take it without too many tears.

The first day of school in a way always feels a little like the start of a new year for me. It's all about new beginnings and a chance to make a fresh start. Time to get back in the saddle with staying on top of the old to do lists, health, fitness, nutrition, goals and then there is fashion.

I've got some studying to do. Here is my study guide:

What do you think of during back to school time?

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

How About a Break Today?

2010-09-06T06:00:00.000-04:00

You sure deserve it.

Happy Labor Day!

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

Stop and Sniff

2010-09-03T18:57:00.003-04:00

I'm stopping to smell the last of my garden's roses (these were clipped by my DH) this holiday weekend as Fall is ushered in by BBQ and a windy storm. I hope you enjoy and get time to stop and smell the roses for yourself!

Love You, Love Me

Kwana

BBF- All the cool kids have one

2010-08-30T16:11:00.005-04:00

So while my twins were away the other week with the grandparents I did see Eat, Pray, Love, but for some reason I was hesitant to talk about it here and I wasn’t quite sure why. I enjoyed the movie well enough though I wouldn’t call it a rave. It was clearly a like and something I would see again once it comes out on video or on cable.

The scenery was lush and beautiful as I knew it would be, Javier was lush and beautiful as I knew he would be and Julia was lush and well, you get the point.
But the movie as I feared it would, did not live up to my love of Elizabeth Gilbert's book. The book (which this is part of its criticism) was a perfect escape from life at a time when I truly needed it and the movie somehow made light of that. Turning what were much more real characters in my head into caricatures.

Now my biggest problem with the movie which I had going into it as soon as I saw the trailer many months ago was the Viola Davis character of Delia who for the life of me I could not remember from the original. Where did this Black best friend come from and why is she suddenly in the movie when she wasn’t in the book? The book that sold millions and I thought was near perfect, but suddenly Hollywood thought needed a Black sidekick to what, throw us a bone to get us into the theater? I was insulted and continued to be throughout the movie.

I talked to my DH about this (probably more than he would have liked) getting into characterization and internal dialogue all trying to reason out the reason for this character. In the end I couldn’t do it. I didn’t need to be pandered to in that way. You see I would have seen the movie either way because I loved the book and Julia and well there was Javier.

And being a lover of good acting and people who know their craft I would love to see Viola in her own starring role which this Oscar nominated and Tony award winning actress deserves. It doesn’t matter that she is a Black woman, but me being a black women, yeah that would make me pretty happy too. So are you listening Hollywood? More money from me and I think more women like me if you just smarten up and get a tad bit creative and open minded.

But the bottom line is this….I am over the Black sidekick role. How long is this tired role going to be replayed because at this point Netflix is becoming my BFF.

For more on the BBF check out The Root here.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

Brilliant

2010-08-24T23:34:00.003-04:00

image from here !

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

Congrats or Not? NOT

2010-08-21T17:23:00.003-04:00

So I’m just sitting down in on my favorite no frills on the water restaurants while my DH goes to order food after one of THE most stressful days ever when I feel a tap on my shoulder. So I turn and it’s a lady I know by face only coming to say hello. She saw me from across the restaurant and wanted to say hi and congrats on my being pregnant. WHAT? Stop the presses. Hold. The. Phone.

Now I have my issues with food and weight that I’m dealing with and this is not the first time I’ve heard this congrats line in the 16 years since I’ve had my twins and my stomach was stretched beyond the great beyond.

After I got a hold of myself I looked at the women and said, no baby here it’s just fat and she tried to cover by saying that she’s got weight to lose herself, but by then I was done. I could barely enjoy my food or my husband’s company (he had returned to our table by then and missed the comment but could see I was put out).

Part of me wanted to say to her what was her deal assuming something like that when she was not sure? What is it about people that makes them think that whatever is in their head can come out of their mouth and we should all be ridiculously food and body obsessed? Can we just get some manners or do I have to wear a tee shirt and label myself?

Maybe I could go couture with Gaultier?

Whatever. I’m going to try and not let it get me too down. When I left the house I thought I looked good, my husband told me I looked good so, I can’t let one comment ruin my self image.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

If Only

2010-08-18T23:12:00.004-04:00

If only good old Bernarr was right in 1937 I could be pain free. But I'm guessing he wasn't because right now I'm on day 2 of what I suspect is a 3 or 4 day migraine that so far none of my prescribed meds are working out. This stinks because it's my week of FREEDOM. Oh well I can't have a little debilitating pain stop all my teen free fun. Must. Carry. On.

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

Image from here

Freedom

2010-08-16T07:00:00.003-04:00

This dedication goes out to me in honor of having a few days of Freedom without the teen twins as they are gone for a week with my Mom and Step-dad. I hope to take many luxurious baths and get lots of writing done. There be self imposed deadlines and challenges thrown down there. So I gotta get on that.

George Michael - Freedom '90
Uploaded by jpdc11. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

Oh and can we discuss how fab the women in this video still look 20 years later? Naomi makes me almost want to slurp down maple syrup and cayenne pepper (almost).

But I think Christy's route of yoga and meditation may be more enjoyable just check her out in this year's Louis V ads below. The woman is timeless.

Either way whatever they are doing is working for them. Here's to finding what works for me. I sure hope catch-up sleep and bubble baths count.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

Waaaa!!!

2010-08-12T07:00:00.002-04:00

As a wife and mother of teens I have to come to the realization that at any given moment one or more people in the world are probably going to be pissed at me and I have to accept that that's ok. I can't make the world happy.

That said I have to figure how to still have The freaking (snort) Best Year of My Life while at any given moment I'm may not be having the best day.

How does one do that when they have to deal with a host of emotions from all different directions? I think the only answer is to say bring it on, then you take it in and then you have to let it go.

Sure it would be nice to put up your Wonder Woman deflector bracelets announce to your family and to the world, "sorry I'm not taking your emotional mess because I'm HAVING THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE", but we all no that's not going to work.

So you have to take it on, feel what you feel when the world of friends, family, etc. are feeling what they are feeling but somehow still stay on course with your plan to nurture yourself, love you and pat yourself on the back for being there and loving through all the Waaaas!

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

top image from here

Not Passing By

2010-08-09T21:41:00.005-04:00

The next time I pass a flower stand I'm not just walking by but I'm going to stop and treat myself.

This is a reminder to just do it. What little thing have you done for yourself lately?

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

Love Your Best Life

2010-08-06T00:01:00.000-04:00

It would be so easy for me to have The Best Year Of My Life if I could have a fantasy year like in Eat, Pray, Love one of my favorite books.

Hop a flight and just sort of check out and go off on a new and uncharted adventure and come back with a bestseller tucked in my Gucci bag, but, uh, that ain’t happening as there is a hubby and teen twins that are seniors in high school this year at chez Kwana and come 7:00 somebody would be getting mighty hungry and notice something was up.

So to help me deal with the desire to have the best year in MY reality I’m reading Debbie Ford’s The Best Year of Your Life (very slowly) and I have to say it’s an excellent book filled with Oprah like aha moments that say I have the power to make THIS life of mine better than ok. To make what it is, to me and for me, pretty great, well, at least good enough for me.

If you are thinking of going on your own Best Year Journey or have some things in your life that have been running you down a bit I say give this book a go.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

Big Jet Plane

2010-08-03T16:08:00.003-04:00

This video from Angus and Julia Stone perfectly conveys my feelings today as I amble slowly around the house from task to task with Jack at my feet and now with the teen twins racing around I'm in a daze and currently in a strange haze. Yeah, my mind is in the air today. How about you?

Angus & Julia Stone - Big Jet Plane from TSL on Vimeo.

Wanna take a ride on a Big Jet Plane. Thanks to Black Eiffel for this video post.

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

Nightly Joe

2010-08-02T23:03:00.004-04:00

Care to join me in a nightcap? You'd me shocked up how fast I can go to sleep after this fully caffeinated cup of Joe.

What keeps you up at night. Is it the kids, hubby, bills, worry or could it be something more fun? Or does nothing come between you and those oh so important nightly zzz's?

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

In The Blink Of An Eye

2010-07-30T07:30:00.000-04:00

This weekend don't forget to see the beauty in the everyday that's all around you.

Love you, Love Me,

Kwana

Was Her Name Bra-bra?

2010-07-29T06:00:00.000-04:00

You all watch this while I get in my workout and try not to get into any misunderstandings ok?
Remember perspective is reality.

Best,
Kwana

Is God On My Plate?

2010-07-26T17:31:00.004-04:00

This year, my self proclaimed best year, I have given up on diets. I know for some of you that know me that may seem like a radical or maybe even crazy thing to say. How can I give up on diets? me, Kwana who clearly could stand to use quite a few pounds and has been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis?

Well the idea of intuitive eating has been hopping around in my mind quite a lot over the years. Sometimes as a rational thought and sometimes as one of desperation when I just felt frustrated and overwhelmed and like "oh screw it the diet is so not worth it." But now after watching Oprah (sidebar: yes my friends know my motto, "All roads lead to Oprah") and her show with Geneen Roth on Women, Food and God I've given myself permission to go for it.

Mind you, not to let myself go but to trust in myself and live my own life, not someone else's dietary standard that is only going to make me crazy and lead me to a binge and then the next diet and the next binge and the next round of guilt and unhappiness and that's sooo is not part of my best year plan.

You see I've been on Weight Watches more times than I can count over the past 20 years and then there's South Beach and Atkins and Jenny etc. I've tried it all for a time. A short time. It's no way to live your life. The constant living for the plate and no enjoyment in the food and the company or the moment. Crazy. It's made me a bit mad. In the head and at life. I've felt mad at myself more days than I can count and gotten more well meaning advice than I know what do do with which makes me mad at people who may not deserve it. But come on, do people really think it's a matter of not knowing what to eat?

So now I'm working on being my own guide to fueling my body, mind and spirit. Eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm not. Actually feeling my feelings and continuing to work out. I'm going to see where that takes me and you know what? I'm not feeling guilty as I ride past Weight Watchers. That weekly fee is staying in my pocket. Lately I've been using the money to buy bangles. Why? Because they make ME happy.

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

P.S. you can go to Oprah.com to find out more here. And I did read the book and really enjoyed it. I will read it again and again I think.

A New Diet

2010-07-23T12:10:00.002-04:00

I've given up on traditional diets (more on that later) but this is a diet that I think I can get behind though for me I may need 10 items with gym clothes. I also like the no clothes shopping at least for the next month. That I can do right now.

I really like the idea of freeing your mind for more creative endeavors and the fact that accessories are not limited.

What do you think? Find out more here about 6 items or less and here about the Great American Apparel Diet.

Love you, Love Me,
Kwana

The Night Was Humid

2010-07-21T00:37:00.005-04:00

It’s after midnight as I write this and I’m in my basement because it’s just too hot upstairs in my bedroom even with the air on. I don’t know it’s not all due to the oppressive humidity or if part of it is due to my racing mind. I’m tired right now but clearly not tired enough. The true meaning of one of my manuscripts: RUNNING IN MY SLEEP.

This has, so far, been a disappointing week and I’m still wondering how to do this best year of my life thingy that it seems I not so smartly came up with. What up with that, Kwana? And my whole perspective over position deal is a lot easier on bright sunny days then it is on dark humid nights.

Oh well, humid nights don’t last forever (just about 12 hours or so) and then a new day comes with whatever that will be (maybe some sun and a breeze. Whee).
How will I attack the next one? I’m not sure but at least my gym shoes are ready by the door.

Love you, Love me,
Kwana

Feeding the Soul

2010-07-19T07:00:00.005-04:00

"Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul." Oscar Wilde

When I'm feeling creatively empty I find an artist date is essential even if it's just an hours getaway and with my life an hour is a precious gift. I gave myself a couple of hours recently and went to the MET to see the Picasso exhibit and the American Woman Exhibit both of which were so fulfilling.

Going through the Picassos, which I can do again tomorrow I'm sure and it would be like I'm seeing it again for the first time, what struck me as amazing was his fearless power of reinvention. My DH was with me and made the comment as we entered another room, "Is this still Picasso?" Yep, I said, it was still him but you wouldn't know it. It seemed in the blink of an eye or in his case a change of perspective he took on an entirely new persona. He refused to just be seen as one type of artist. He was the artist that he envisioned himself at the time. Ever evolving but always true to himself.

In this day of labels and branding yourself this is something I can really respect. I'm about to embark on a new project, something in a style I've never tried but always wanted to and honestly, I'm afraid. Seeing Picasso in all his many forms gives me courage to be something other than what's expected.

How about you? Have you wanted to try something out of the box but have been afraid. Maybe this is your year.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

images thanks to the MET

Mind Trip

2010-07-16T00:08:00.003-04:00

Happy Friday! Welcome to the weekend. If your life is anything like mine the weekends don't hold the same charm that they used to BC (before children). Life is just so much more busy and there is not really any down time on the weekend. You know how it goes Mom is ALWAYS O.N.

But I hope you find a little time for you. Take a walk or a drive or make that errand run extra long and escape for a bit. Maybe to the bookstore and hit the travel section and linger there on the destination you'd like to be for the weekend. Me? I think I'll be going here:

In my head at least.

Have a good one.

Love you, Love Me,

Kwana

Nightly Ritual

2010-07-15T14:30:00.007-04:00

This is my nightly ritual. I have to break out the ice pack and wrap it around my feet to help with the RA. 10 minutes on and 10 minutes off with each foot back and forth for about 30 minutes to help undo some of the damage of the day. It's not fun and the ice is torture sometimes but it's something I find a necessity especially on a day when I've been running around or walking a lot. I will say on some of the really hot days days we've been having I have been finding a bit of relief in the ice. That said I do hope this isn't something that lasts too long in my life and that the meds will give me more relief soon. The jury is still out on the nausea deal. Getting more tolerable, I think.

Hey, at least the ice thing it's a designated time that I HAVE to be off my feet. That's not too bad. I should add a facial to it or something once a week. Just thought of that one. NICE.

Do you have a nightly ritual that takes you off your feet? Keep it clean now. I wasn't going there. LOL.

Best,

Kwana

Look At Your Bag

2010-07-14T00:30:00.002-04:00

Now look back at me... now look back at your bag...now look. back. at. me.

Nuff said.

Happy Hump Day!

Love you, Love me,

Kwana

Perspective over Position

2010-07-12T00:10:00.003-04:00

Thanks so much to all of you that came by and commented and followed this weekend. It's so appreciated. I feel do feel the love. Thank YOU!!!

So it really is a little mad me calling this the Best Year Of My Life. Come on, where do I get off? I mean nothing has changed from last year to make THIS year the best year of my life as a matter of fact with this RA diagnosis it’s now gotten slightly worse off. Besides, there has been no book deal or magic money windfall and not even a nice 10 pound weight loss to throw me a vanity bone, but still, I’m not ready to give up on my Best Year Of My Life thing just yet.

The way I see it it’s all about perspective over position right about now. I can’t immediately change my position. That's something that has to happen over time and it’s something that I can’t totally control myself anyway with the business I’m in being so subjective, but something that I can change, on even a moment to moment basis, is my perspective. And I do firmly believe perspective is reality to some extent (depending on just how wacky you really are). So with that being said ...I’m still, despite no change in my position, having The Best Year Of My Life. At least at this moment as I type this.
I am a Gemini you know.

On the RA front I got a pain in my toe in church yesterday that was like OMG! Knocked the breath out of me. I hate it when that happens. So not cute and all. Also I've been taking the Paquenil for a few days now and the first 2 days were ok but now I have this off sense of nausea that is not cool and I can't tell if it's from the constant humidity in NY or from the meds. Either way I really don't like it and have to watch it closely and talk to the doctor about it because I feel really tired and totally yucksville. Fun. Joy.

Love You, Love Me,

Kwana

Welcome You.

2010-07-09T07:00:00.000-04:00

Hello all of you stopping by for the first time. Welcome to my new blog hangout. Those friends that came over from KwanaWrites thanks so much for stopping by. Now I'll still be there with Jack all the time as that is my first home. So no worries.

I like to think of Becoming True Me as my vacation spot. That room of my own where I can get away from it all. The secret cottage where no one can find me (but you did, cagey you!).

I hope you like it here. This is where I'll discuss my feeling on life, dealing with this new thing to me called RA and my life long struggles with migraines. Along with that there will be some twin and life stuff (hot mess) thrown in because that's just how I roll. But it's mostly about me and being my true self more and more each day. I hope you like me and all my many layers. I also hope that along the way you see a bit of yourself uncovered too.

Have fun and please read the few posts I have and give your thoughts and comments. This is a love filled and friendly zone.

Now this may not be an every day blog but feel free to be a follower so you can get updates on when I'm here. Thanks again for stopping by my secret cottage.

Love you, Love me,
Kwana

Shed from Summerwood Products.

From Serf to Running the Turf

2010-07-08T10:22:00.000-04:00

This cover story from New York Magazine All Joy And No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting by Jennifer Senior hit lots of sore spots and very well if you ask me. Click here to read the article.

Oh and we do know that stress is a huge factor when it comes to chronic pain right. So lemme give a Woo Saaa right now and breathe.

As a mother of boy/girl teen twins I often wish those with the sly judgmental looks of “she’s soooo not together. What’s she getting so riled up about?” could walk or drive a mile in my overrun Target flats. I mean it's hard, it's dang hard to handle all the day to day (up, out, breakfast, lunch, school, sports, dance, drive, drive, gas, drive, pickup, homework, dinner, oh and write too) and even harder when there's a irate know it all kid giving you grief and you're somehow supposed to keep your cool through it all and look good doing it. Pla-eaze. No wonder there is that anti-depression med commercial on a freakin loop. (BTW- could that thing get taken off. It depresses me more than anything else. Ugh)

Though the article is mostly the doom and gloom of the very real drudgery of parenting in these over stimulated, over competitive, keeping up with The Joneses modern times, it does end on a good note.

What is real happiness? Is it happiness in the moment or happiness over time? Is it having a purpose in life? Not to sound too Oprah-ish but… One thing I know for sure is that in having these children I do have a purpose in the moment and over time.

Hmm… now I wonder if my twitter hashtag of #PS which stands for parenting sucks will ever really take off? I doubt it. Most people just can’t keep it that real.

Love You, Love Me,
Kwana

P.S.
I hit the gym again today after a 1 day pain break and could barely tackle the bike the right foot pain was so bad but I made it 25 minutes. Go me. Now for Ice.

article and images from New York magazine

Solider of Love

2010-07-07T15:27:00.002-04:00

So I have now started on the medical route with the RA and so far ,so far. It’s day 1 and the doctor says it will take a month to see any results with the Paquenil. I must watch how it effects my eyes. What the freak?! My eyes? Of course I have the generic version and still my prescription with ins was 50.00. What's with that one? Big sigh there.

In other more proactive news… I still have a gym membership. How about that? So with headphones in hand I made my way back to Planet Fitness to see if there was a bike with my name on it. I can’t remember the last time I was there but they welcomed me back with open arms and I just had to pay a 10.00 fee and I was in. I did 25 minutes on the bike with 2 elderly men totally smoking me like a pair of Lance Armstrongs on either side. Side eye to them. Oh well, at least I was in the house. Then I thought I’d give the elliptical a try. I got 8 minutes in before my bad arthritic toe sent jolts of pain up my leg. I soldiered on another 2 minutes and gave up to do arm work for a bit. With visions of Michelle O racing through my head.

Oh well, at least I know I have a membership and a place to go.

Maybe I should keep Sade’s Solider of Love in my mind for this battle.

Love you, love me,
Kwana

The Best Year Of My Life...

2010-07-01T11:28:00.001-04:00

So just the other day I went on this mini rant and declared that THIS would be the BEST year of my life. Yep, that's what I did. Me, big, old, happy and I'm being totally facetious here, me. But I was kinda serious about it. A bit at least. And so like me I've been reading about how to make it the best year of my life and how to get healthy and conquer stress, pain and adversity in my life.

So not 2 minutes after that and so like my life I go to the arthritis specialist to you know "just get tested as a precaution" because it can't be that I have something really wrong with me with this annoying pain in the foot I've been having. I mean what are the chances. Well....freaking crappity, crap crap. After an examination, a little chat and giving vials and vials of blood. Turns out I have freaking rheumatoid arthritis. Get the freak out of here. Like I need this after declaring it the best year of my life and to the DH no less? This sucks butt.

Visions of me being even more overweight than I am, having yet more migraines and walking with a cane flashed through my mind and I just wanted to sob. I know it's crazy but my toes curled in pain and all I could think of was how much more would my butt spread? I know vain right? This is a disease and I'm thinking of my butt spreading more but people it's already big and I don't want one side eye here from any skinny ass reading this. Keep it to yourself until you walk in my bread craving shoes.

Then the pain starts in my head and I try to breathe it away because stress doesn't help migraines and I don't need a weekend of throwing up on top of things. Then I started to think of the DH and how he will react to this arthritis news. Great, yet another thing wrong with me. I just got through the breast surgery in December and thanking God that was over and ok but the scars are still there and I seem to always complain of head pain and now foot pain and here is something else and new chronic pain without a cure. The mind races. There is always something with me. Jeez.

Is this want I get declaring it the best year of my life? Freaking crap.

I told the DH and he was stunned and sad and had all the emotions I thought he would after being with him over 20 years. He came home with a long face and was quiet. Too quiet which kills me.

Then later I ventured to the basement man cave and I asked the DH how can I be called Rumy (my new self given nickname) and still have the best year of my life? He gave a weak smile and said I have to find a way that I still can. I then named him Luby and told him he'll have to keep me lubed up and mobile. He laughed at that and said how could I be so crazy when this was so serious. But I knew I had to make him laugh even though I'm now scared as sh*# because I hate when he gets withdrawn and I see that fear in his eyes when I get sick. So I told him again that his job was to keep me mobile so my legs were um, lets just say always active. It was good to see him laugh since he came home so sad after I called him with the doctors news.

So here is another new day. Yesterday I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis for real real and This Is The Best Year Of My Life.

It's good to be 41. Right? RIGHT?!

Love you, Love me,

Kwana

Come On Get Happy

2010-06-25T18:29:00.000-04:00

So look who's back. Me. Yep it's me again blogging about me. Starting over once again. What brings me here? Well frustration of course which is what usually brings me to any new diary. Why am I frustrated you ask. Well, it's now the end of the kids school year (that didn't turn out like we hoped) They are now juniors and I have college for 2 to think about. Still no book sale but a new agent in my friend Louise and Diva Slave is out in submission so I'm as neurotic as ever...
Oh and I just turned 41 and had a physical that sucked butt so yeah I'm back and I'm blah.

But I'm tired of the blah (which is not any news of course either) and I really want to do something about it (no news there) but what?

Cliche I know but today is the 1st day of the rest of my life another thought do I really want to feel like this a year from now at 42. Action is needed. Time to get happy.

So it's Me some self-help books and no real set plan but get happy come hell or high water. Time to break out of this funk. Wish me luck. Oh yeah, this blog is private right now so I'll just wish myself luck and add a kiss just for me.

Karl Brulloff. Italian Woman Blowing a Kiss. 1826

Good luck Kwana. I love you!